The dear reader has to excuse Kitchee for the long and undoubtedly excruciatingly painful hiatus of the past year and a half. For you see my lovely little fur balls of fur, like a true uncool tourist, Kitchee always harbored a deep longing to get even once the chance to hug a koala bear. That’s right; Kitchee wanted to wrap her arms around one of those smelly, grumpy bears that hang on to the trees for their lives in an attempt to not fall down in their stoned stupor. Naturally, the next logical step was to move to Australia.

After 1,5 years, Kitchee still has not hugged a koala bear, but has seen two in a local zoo, which is close enough. And in all honesty, those furry-buttocked marsupials actually aren’t all that anyway. Domestic guinea pigs do just fine.*

Anybitterway, at the moment Kitchee is still hitting the keyboard in the promised land of all-things-creepy-that-will-kill-you-by-giving-you-a-heart-attack (I’m looking at you, huntsmen spiders (note: in the interest of completing this post and not giving herself a heart-attack, there will not be a link to a picture of a huntsman spider.)), but will return to the promised land of all-things-massive-that-will-kill-you-by-eating-you-alive (I’m looking at you, bears).

Speaking of bears, this charming necklace has an important message for all the mortals among you; riches will not bring you happiness.  Thanks mostly to Sofia Coppola, we are all aware of the strangely-pastel-coloured and tragic story of Marie Antoinette; the parties with the cool aristokids, the cake and the unhappy marriage to the short Louis XVI of France. Despite the gold and glam, she did not feel loved or glad.

The gold(coloured) and glam necklace features some of the most beautiful plastic pearls your side of the world has seen. The luxurious-looking castle is a heavily miniaturised representation of the Palace of Versailles, reminding the owner of this piece of jewellery and all the pessimists out there that you cannot escape your unhappiness even in a castle. Lastly, this uplifting work of art sports a portrait of Louis XVI himself and Marie Antoinette on the other side, covered in cold glaze for more endurance. Because that is what we need in this world my gloomy readers; endurance. To finish, a sparkling crown pendant was included to remind you that you are poor.

And that ends our lesson for today, kids. Remember that no matter how poor you are, at least you weren’t executed by a motherflipping guillotine. Turn that frown upside down, have a nice day and go annoy someone with your fake chirpiness!

*Apropos, ever seen a guinea pig in one of those rodent exercise balls? Best. entertainment. ever. Something a koala could never do. Mostly because you cannot fit them in the exercise ball.

10,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

There is also hair removal, periods and all that jazz, but as Kitchee had difficulties locating charms like the abovementioned, Kitchee was forced to stick to the more conventional themes.Well, some day, my dear jewellery-ogling reader, the charm producers will be more liberated. And the consecutive bracelet will totally be called the ‘Feminine Taboo’ -bracelet. Some day.

Anyalways, this bracelet is very much like its Edwardian counterpart, with the only difference being that this one is modernised to portray today’s too-frequently assumed stereotypical and shallow feminine way of life! (Kitchee rules at sales speeches.)

13,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

As kitchee has truly been influenced by Wodehouse’s work and after getting the Wodehouse-inspired piece of jewellery out of the way, Kitchee has now moved on to the next step; acquiring her very own gentleman’s personal gentleman.

So, any takers?

All applicants must be familiar with the psychology of the individual and resemble Stephen Fry.

8,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

As time has proven, some things never change, and your schedule is as busy as someone’s living in 2010. Not convinced? We-heell, let Kitchee demonstrate.

Hereby Kitchee presents thee… thy to-do list:

1. Wake up at 11 am to the maid opening the curtains in your lovely room and letting in the warm rays of July sun. Your room is located on the second floor of your uncle’s mansion. You enjoy the birds chirping and the earthy yellow-hued tone that the sunrays are giving to your room. You lie in your bed for a short while longer enjoying the clean and fresh smell of the bed linen.

2. You get up and dress in your favourite cream-coloured summer dress. You love it especially because it flows so beautifully in the gentle summer breeze. You go downstairs to the dining room to have some light breakfast, served to you by your uncle’s trusted valet Edgar.

3. You step outside with the intention of picking some flowers for your room. The mansion grounds are extensive, but you decide to go to the nearby meadow, which is not too far from the mansion. You find dozens of lovely flowers and you pick them up and place them delicately in the basket that you carry with you.

4. After a while you notice you have spent hours roaming around the mansion grounds and picking flowers on your way. You decide to return to the mansion. You could not wait to taste the delicious little tea cakes that were always served by your uncle’s magnificent cook. You hurry back to the mansion.

5. The tea is served in the living room by Edgar. You take a bite out of one of the heavenly tea cakes and take a sip of earl grey. You sit back and look outside, content of your achievements for today.Oh, what an exhausting day it has been!

So, as one clearly notices, the life has always been, and always will be, stressful and very consuming.

Apropos, the bracelet is made of white plastic pearls and decorated with charming charms that convey the themes predominant in the life of a busy Edwardian-era lady. With 25 cm in length and the aura of sophistication, the bracelet is well-suited for wrists that bare to wear only the most precious pieces of jewellery.

16,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

Still, Kitchee is rather sure that the annual masquerade is something quite spectacular.

Imagine somewhere in the masses of beautifully-dressed people wanders the love of your day/week/month/year/life, but you are unable to identify him/her/it due to the sparkly, yet frustratingly concealing masks. If you ask Kitchee, sounds like a pretty bad night to hook up.

Although, if you, my dear tourist trap-loving reader, live your life according to the Forrest Gump theory, you may very well not care ‘that you never know what you’re gonna get’. It is a gamble any way one inspects it!

The bracelet is 24 cm long and as one can hopefully determine from the visual aids present in this post, there are shiny pink and black plastic pearls gracing the silver-coloured chain. The Gamble at the Masquerade bracelet also sports three different hand-painted venetian masks, perhaps hinting at the msytery that looms behind the decorative masks. The aspect of gamble is brought forward further by the Queen of Hearts card charm looking from the sidelines and casting its fateful influence on the Venetian Masquerade seducer’s endeavours.

14,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

Out of all the different versions of Batman, Burton’s twisted view of Gotham City and its malformed creatures spiked Kitchee’s interest the most. Subsequently, QttBM was born.

The black pearls reflect the prevailing darkness in Gotham City and in the ‘people’ running around in the cold, urban concrete nightmare. The silver pearls conversely mirror the flicker of light that rarely makes an appearance in Burton’s nightmarish Batman-world. Every reader can think to themselves what these instances of light could have been. Was it Catwoman’s mind-blowing character? Batman’s victory over the Penguin? Or perhaps Penguin’s weird arse?

Although Kitchee wanted to leave you, the dear reader, with the image of the Penguin’s bizarre behind, some words must be said about the bracelet’s technical specifications; it is of 24 cm in length and boasts the faces of the three main weirdos from Burton’s Batman Returns; Batman himself, Catwoman and Penguin. Finally, a wee rat was added to increase the filthy Gotham-feel.

13,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

Now, Kitchee will leave you with a video that truly, madly and deeply reflects the anguish, scariness and horror of the Batman films.

The super-intense Catwoman has now returned in a condensed ring form to intensify our lives further.

Attention dear readers: Kitchee was about to delight you with a short summary of 7500 words about the lives of Finnish peasants in the 16th century and make it somehow relevant to the Compact Catwomanlicious! ring, but was forced to stop short because Rock of Love is on. Please don’t judge.


3,50€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

Jim Morrison is the embodiment of a proper rock god. Despite being high on drugs, alcohol and himself, he managed to make wearing leather trousers cool. Kitchee was so taken by Morrison’s mastery in this area of life that she even referred to his sweaty and presumably odor-emitting leather trousers in her French exam; “J’adore les pantalons de Jim Morrison.”

Now, as 10 years have passed and after reflecting on the above exam input, it could possibly be interpreted as having a slight sexual undertone. Poop. Then again, Kitchee had also stated in the very same exam, in a true eloquent French manner of course, that “je veux boire du poison”. How emolameful.

Speaking of emos, Kitchee once read somewhere someone saying that The Doors’s songs are all emo due to their Nietzschean influence. If the someone-guy ever reads this; you suck.

This necklace, which is not emo, relies on simplicity and features a pendant with the face of the charismatic Morrison on it. The brown leather cord (close to the colour of his notorious leather trousers!) is 53cm in length. If you imagine hard enough, now you are in a position to not only have Morrison’s face around your neck, but also his trousers.

4,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

We are all aware of the story of Cinderella. The pretty girl with the mean step family, the fairy godmother, the glass shoe, the midnight curfew… Well, I am afraid the real story is not anything like its pristine Disney counterpart.

The real story concerns a 46-year old lassie named Connie from the suburbs of a mid-sized city. There never was a good fairy godmother, but discount coupons granting free entrance to a line dancing night at the Scumm Bar. She never wore glass shoes to the line dancing night. Her feet were graced by gold-coloured sneakers she bought at a sale of a local shoe retailer. She did not have a curfew either. In reality she was escorted outside due to excessive alcohol consumption and lost her sneaker in the process.

The truth hurts, my wee naïve friends, does it not?

“But what about the prince?”, you ask. The story does have a semi-happy ending. Connie went to the Scumm Bar the next day to look for her newly bought shoe and had an immensely strong impression that the bouncer flirted with her when giving her shoe back. But then again, he could have just been laughing at her due to her boozy antics from last night.

The necklace is 26cm long with a luxurious gold-colour metal coach as the main attraction. It even has pearls for wheels! There is also a gold-coloured plastic charm shoe and a metal heart charm attached to the necklace to remind the admirers of the quixotic Disney fairytale. The necklace is one of a kind.

10,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

A not-so-casual dinner party coming up at the Bassett’s Totleigh Towers country mansion? Your jewellery collection consisting only of diamond necklaces with 45 diamonds minimum per necklace? Put your mind at ease, my dear aristocrat; Kitchee has just the perfect necklace for the frequent socialiser suited for these special occasions!

This Art Nouveau-inspired necklace ought to be worn at fancy dinner parties, accompanied by a white silk dress with black flowers hand-painted on it as decorations. Earrings are not compulsory when one is wearing this necklace, since it is already very ornamental and attention-grabbing. It is recommended however, that the dinner party participant’s hair be worn up to give the necklace room to sparkle. The necklace is in its element at social gatherings where the guests are genteel, the food is French and the drinks are sophisticatedly strong.

The necklace is one of a kind. Its length is adjustable, courtesy of the elegant black ribbon, which can be tied into a refined bow behind the neck. The necklace was designed around an Art Nouveau style charm, with metallic glass beads and small flower charms giving the necklace that special flavour of the sophisticated old era.

Now, where’s me lager and the tequila bottle?

13,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

What is the essence of kitsch? Well, after careful consideration, Kitchee has reached a conclusion.

Kitsch is any object that awakens the urge to eat the object the minute you see it. Observe these earrings for example; don’t they look like two spoonfuls of a delicious dessert? Maybe of the creamy sort. With a little cinnamon on top. And some glassy blue stuff.

The point is that whenever you want to eat an object, it must be Kitsch.

The Cherubian Delight earrings are 6,3cm long each when including the earring hook. They have two wee nitid cherubs thinking happy thoughts with four sky-blue plastic hearts hanging around them, perhaps giving an indication of the nature of their thoughts. Two lagoon blue (commonly known as Daniel-Craig-eyes blue) glass beads were also added to increase the amount of blue-hues-with-awesome-names present in the earrings, with the complementary gold-coloured chain being the final touch.

5,20€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

It is a warm and sunny summer morning as you decide to take the train to your uncle’s mansion in the countryside.

After a tiresome 6 hours of travelling, you finally arrive at your uncle’s grandiose Elizabethan style mansion. An invigorating light lunch of the delish Asparagus Salad with Champagne-Saffron Vinaigrette helps to bring your zest back up. After the pleasant culinary experience, you retire to your room on the second floor and rest for a short while. The afternoon tea is served in the living room and you decide to change into something more suitable for the countryside.

You now sit in the warm living room wearing a lovely light cream-coloured tea dress and an ornamental necklace. The glistening sunrays reach half-way the living room floor as you sip on your Earl Grey tea and read the engaging short stories by P.G. Wodehouse. Then the sunlight becomes just a little too tempting and you choose to go out to enjoy the lovely day by taking a refreshing walk on the mansion grounds. After wandering on the grounds and admiring the green foliage, you sit next to a statue that of a gentle cherub and appreciate the shade it provides. You enjoy the pleasant weather and listen to the birds serenading each other. You close your eyes. And smile.

The necklace is one of a kind and another one like it will not be made. It was made out of light brown glass beads and is 28cm long. It has a lovely rose-covered heart charm as the centrepiece with a bow next to it ready to shoot an amorous arrow at the heart. Amor himself stands by with another arrow ready in his hands. Which heart will get the other love-laden arrow?

13,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

Here the story continues onto things of a rather superficial quality, and what better to grace this tribute necklace to shallowness than the colour hex code FF6EC7, Marilyn Monroe the movie icon and Pop Art?

The colour pink, Marilyn Monroe and Pop Art all have one thing in common; all three are over-the-top, caricaturised versions of their so-called ‘real world’ counterparts. They are processed products that appeal to the viewer due to their tendency to look pretty. Consequently, this necklace is not anything more than a sum of its parts. It is a product designed exclusively to look pretty. It holds no deeper meaning, no hidden messages.

Therefore, it is perfect for the superficial girl about town! Or, if being identified as superficial is undesired, one can alternatively call the frequent admirers’ attention to the necklace’s function in portraying the essence of FF6EC7. Only nerds will be able to decipher the aforesaid code, thus making it safe for everyday use, since nerds do not leave their basements. Kitchee should know.

Marilyn’s picture was put under a glass orb and the back was covered with cold glaze in order to seal the pendant. The pendant was then attached to a 27cm-long chain made out of small pink plastic beads and two pink glass beads. Lastly, a lovely glistening star was added for that ultimate shallow feel we all know and love.

8,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

JOHNNY! WHY HAVEN’T YOU ANSWERED MY LETTERS??!!!!11 WHY DIDN’T YOU LET ME IN WHEN I SHOWED UP AT YOUR DOOR??!!!1! WHY DID YOU HANG UP ON ME WHEN I CALLED YOU?? JOHNNY, CALL ME!!!!11

Johnny, you looked at me from the silver screen with those chocolate-chip-cookie-brownie-cake-with-double-cream eyes and secretly vowed your love for me in your mind. I could tell by that special look in your eyes. I waited for your call for 7 weeks but the telephone never played that sweet Nokia tune that I was so sorely longing to hear.

In case the beloved reader was not able to tell, Kitchee is an avid fan of Mr. John Cristopher Depp 2^nd’s skills in the art of acting and looking heartwrenchingly good. Still, this necklace is also a statement of the admittedly feeble sort. The undersigned has been a Depp fan since the day she spotted J.C. Depp’s chocolate-milk-shake eyes in 21 Jump Street back in 1994. It seems that the new generation of Depp fan girls got on board only when they spotted Depp’s eyeliner-enhanced Mississippi-mud-cake eyes on Pirates of the Caribbean. The greatest injustice being that these superficial young ones fell for his dainty and handsome demeanour instead of his acting skills! Conversely, when Kitchee became a fan, she, being the great seeker of ultimate meanings and discoverer of hidden symbolisms that she is, first paid attention to Depp’s competency in acting.

Of course, all of the above is an utter, hypocritical lie. Kitchee was, is and always will be a total Johnny fan-girl.

The Johnnyfied necklace is 25,5cm in length, with black plastic beads really bringing out Johnny’s well-formed facial features. Johnny’s face was placed under a glass orb, which was sealed with cold glaze for a more durable finish, plus to keep the extremely obsessed Johnny fan-girls from stealing Johnny’s picture from its place. This way the owner of this necklace will always be able to keep Johnny close to them. Lastly, a telephone charm was placed next to dear old Johnny (he’s 46!) for the odd chance of the necklace having some magical powers and Mr. Johnny Depp actually calling the owner. Hey, never say never in the world of fan-girls!

8,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

Ah! Cats; those allergy-inducing claw-y balls of fur(y)! Kitchee has consistently failed to spot the allure of these vexatious purring/killing machines and has made conscious effort to avoid contact with the domesticated carnivorous mammal. The dear reader understood correctly; Kitchee is not an ardent fan of the Felis catus.

Before this post becomes a battle ground for the Cat Lovers United versus the Other, Nicer Mammal’s Appreciation Society, let Kitchee just state that the aforementioned catty antipathy does not stop her from making kick-ass necklaces featuring a fabulous feline-like feel!

The purrr-dy necklace flaunts half the face of Catwoman as its dark and brooding epicentre. Also, a delicious quote by the famous Burtonesque Catwoman was added on the back and the glass tile was then sealed with cold glaze for a lasting finish. Black plastic beads were added to further enhance the dark aura of this intense piece of shiny glamnosity that measures at 25cm in length. Finally, a cute star was attached to the necklace in order to make a subtle secret statement; Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman, not Batman, was the real star of Batman Returns! So, as the reasoning tends to go around here; the one who wears this necklace will appear as intense as Catwoman and outshine the occasional Batmans out there any day and night (with the obvious help of a shiny latex suit).

8,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

This bracelet looks best with summer dresses, sunny faces and twinkly eyes. Good mood optional but advised.

Classified No. 42: A bracelet to be sold to a loving home. Requires lots of love (of the non-paraphilic sort) and butterfly kisses. The bracelet should be taken out for long walks when the warm summer breeze is blowing. The preferred places to do so are the seaside or a green, leafy park with white benches where one could sit down and engage in people-watching while letting the sun warm one’s mind as well as heart and let a smile form on one’s face. Then, if all of the above criteria are met in satisfactory fashion, the bracelet could possibly repay the good loving and care by bringing something new and nice of the Cupidean variety into the owner’s life, a.k.a. ♥!

The bracelet sports three separate pearl bracelets made out of white plastic pearls of three different sizes. The diameter of the bracelet is 6,5cm and the elastic nylon thread ensures greater flexibility regarding the thickness of the owner’s wrist. In addition to the lovely light pearls, Czech glass charms, plastic charms and metal charms were added to give the bracelet that feeling of more-than-tolerable-lightness-of-being*, a.k.a. a happy feeling!

10,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

*Daniel Day-Lewis, your nose is the epitome of perfect aristocratic design!

The colour black has always been a fascinating one for Kitchee. It seems to bring depth to anything or anyone; give any plastic surgeon a black turtle neck to wear and they will look like an existential poet. Or alternatively, like an annoyingly vainglorious ‘artiste’.

Although this dark-coloured example of artistic expression in jewellery-making, a.k.a. the bracelet, does exhibit symbolism in terms of its theme and choice in materials, it should be stressed that the bracelet is a means to make the carrier look brilliantly deep and, subsequently, what every jewellery-bearer seeks; cool.

There are many pieces of jewellery in the contemporary world that are either merely blatantly trying to be pretty, or blatantly trying to be deep and soulful. Conversely, it is rare to locate jewellery that is blatantly superficially symbolistic. Hence, it should come to you as pleasant news, dear reader, that Kitchee Jewellery is out there and openly pretentious! Bring out the black turtle necks and black rimmed glasses!

To inform you more fully about this wonderful superficially symbolistic bracelet; the Venetian mask on it was hand-painted and glazed over with cold glaze for a lasting finish. A mask of these proportions naturally deserved a few fake diamonds added to it in order for it to fulfill its destiny as the mysterious and beautiful gate-keeper to its wearer’s soul. A lovely ornamental lock was also included to emphasise the symbolistic parallels between a heart and a lock for those parties with more pragmatic mindsets. The blacktastic chain is 23cm long and covered in black plastic beads of various sizes, as the casual observer may have inferred. As added little gems, a wee red glass heart, a silver-coloured key and a silver-coloured heart charm were also thrown into the mix purely for superficial reasons; to make the bracelet even prettier than it already was! As if that was even possible.

13,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

Why does everyone presume that a black heart is somehow worse than a red heart?

Granted, when talking in purely physiological terms, red may, according to some scientists, supposedly be a better colour for an organ that is greatly responsible for blood circulation. Still, when examining the issue from a symbolic point of view, a not-so-subtle hint of prejudice is evident in people’s opinions regarding black hearts.

True, red hearts are very common around the world and hence the preferred choice, but they may also turn out to be a bit on the dull side. The black hearts, however, are resented but also perhaps severely misunderstood. Who knows what lies behind that murky exterior. Perhaps a tricuspid valve?

The red heart is like a pepperoni pizza. You always know what you are going to get. If that is your cup of tea, fine. But for those individuals who yearn for something more, your best bet is to choose the black heart. If the red heart is like a pepperoni pizza, then the black heart is like a pogo stick. The black heart can make you experience some new wonderful heights of life you never could have imagined. However, it can also make you feel so bad your stomach feels the urge to express itself in more-or-less artistic fashion (depends on what one understands as being ‘art’) through your mouth. It is a risk one has to take.

As a closing statement it should be said that although the mini-essay above related to the professional culinary aspects of cookery, nothing is stopping the reflective reader from perceiving it as a metaphor for issues in love.

The bracelet was built around a gold-coloured chain, with a length of 23cm when including the extender chain. The lovely shimmery pearls of various sizes give the bracelet a certain type of ‘liveliness’ to it, which makes this piece of jewellery a certain attention catcher. The two gold-coloured Venetian masks were hand-painted and covered with cold glaze in order to make them more durable. An added sparkle to the already twinkly bracelet was provided by the small fake diamonds that were added on the masks. Finally, two gold-coloured plastic keys were added to give you the possibility to make a choice; will you unlock the safe and sound red heart or the undiscovered but possibly exciting black heart?

13,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com

If elves existed, this bracelet is something you would see a fashionable member of the elven clan wearing.

With the traditional elven outift  that comprises of soft leather trousers, a leafy green shirt and braided long hair, this bracelet is the accessory that brings all these items of clothing together to form a casual yet stylish ensemble for the modern elf. Please note that also humans are suited to wear this bracelet. In fact, a homo sapiens may be pleasantly surprised when wearing it, as it tends to bring a bit of magic to the sometimes boring working day. Not to mention some fun and sparkle for a lady going out!

The bracelet is one of a kind, which means further bracelets like this will not be made, as the necessary material for making another cannot be acquired. This unique bracelet was made entirely of glass beads, with the pretty glass charms being Czech glass. A double elastic nylon thread was used to combine the beads together in order to secure durability of the bracelet. The diameter of the rather summery bracelet is approximately 8,5cm.

18,90€
Can be ordered by emailing kitchee.jewellery(at)gmail.com